Earthling Antics

  BRINGING WEAPONS TO CHINA The year was 1980. The occasion: the opening of China to tourism from the West. The plan: a bike trip in the south of China, starting in Guangzhou (Canton).The place: the customs station at the Chinese border with Hong Kong.  The customs officials were meticulous. Westerners like me were rare and looked odd. We had round eyes and big noses and smelled, I'm told, like rancid milk. The contents of my luggage was strange—I was traveling by bike and had tight biking clothes, a helmet and other exotic gear that was, well, foreign to the Chinese. Then there were several small boxes of Tampax. "打开! (Dǎkāi!)" the Chinese official commanded, pointing to a box.  "Open!" my Chinese translator interpreted. And open I did.  "Open more," he persisted, and I obediently tore off the wrapper.  The customs official was aghast. He urgently called the security guard. The security guard bent it, smelled it, and cautiously fingered the fuse at th...

Who says that we, In the mighty U.S.of A., are ossified? Who says we can’t get anything done? Who says change is impossible.  This uplifting story of change will change your mind.                                                THE PARABLE OF THE NAUGHTY CREEK       There once was (and still is) a naughty creek that did overflow its banks more than 25 times in the last 25 years causing great consternation among the townsmen (who become locked in or locked out of their homes). The flooding prevented the mighty police and firefighters from accessing the flooded area, and from saving its citizens and saving the homes built thereon.        “What can be done?” the residents did wonder, to stop this predictable flooding.        That’s obvious," said the Engineering Wizard. “We can raise the bridge s...

  Making My PC, pc          My reporting is rated not politically correct. I’ve been rejected by literary journals for being offensive and tasteless and for putting their journals at risk. And I’ve had to take these objectionable objections seriously if I wish to succeed.   My first response was to make my P.C., pc.   My computer is now programmed to change ‘Merry Christmas’ to ‘Merry Holidays’ and ‘Founding Fathers’ to ‘Founding Founders.’   ‘Queer’ gets changed to ‘gay.’ How queer is that.   I now call females who deliver mail malewomen.   An editor castigated me because I insensitively wrote ‘died’ instead of ‘passed away,’ and then castigated me again for writing ‘Jesus passed away on the cross.’ What to do?   The racial thing is really hard to deal with. A black person can call a white person ‘whitey.’ But a white person can’t say ‘blacky.’ In fact, most blacks are brown and most whites, as the Indians correctly noted...

  Why Do You Wear Clothes? “Mommy, why do you wear clothes?” “To stay warm.” “But it’s warm in here.” “Well, hmmm, I like to wear clothes. Clothes are pretty.” “But, Mommy, you wear a robe when we are home. Mommy, is it because you want to hide your boobs?” “Well, yes.” “Why?” “Because they are private.” “But when you wear a swim-suit, your boobs mostly show.” “Johnny, don’t you have homework?” “Yes, Mommy, I’m doing it. The teacher told us to ask our mother or father a question and report our conversation to the class.”

City Council Ponders: Should We Give Ourselves a Raise?   It was a time of great soul searching for city-council members in the City of Alt Losses. Should they increase their stipends from $300 to $950 a month and triple their benefits to $11,000 a year—an increase that the state of California just allowed? A special meeting was called to consider this all important question (during a 49ers football game).    "The increase would cover the cost of gasoline (for the 2-to-3mile drive) to our bi-monthly meetings," they agreed. "It would pay for our printer cartridges." "We could attract more lower-income people to run against us," they reasoned self-righteously, "especially full-time working moms with lots of kids."   One council member asked, "Does the increased health-insurance benefit include free facelifts?" "Face lifts? Yes," Staff responded. "Free? No. There's a $20 copay."   "And how will this aff...

  Free Trials and Tribulations   How irresistible are these free trial offers that bombard us every day? Free delivery for just $5 a month.   Automatic refills and get the first order free. Buy a subscription to Life-on-Mars Magazine and get 13 other magazines, no charge. You know the allure and the drill.   My mom has a lifetime supply of toothpaste with more coming every month. If she brushed her teeth every hour—instead of just once a week—she still couldn't use it up.   My uncle, who is now over 90, has 200 bottles of The Horny Goatweed Guaranteed Cure for Erectile Dysfunction in his medicine chest—one of which was free. All of which are useless.   As for me, well, my free trials are bankrupting me. I can't keep track of what's on order or when to cancel it. My apartment looks like a landfill.   I now get hundreds of emails every day from hundreds of charities, addressed lovingly to dear Mickie. Some of these charities are real. ...