Earthling Antics

  Making My PC, pc          My reporting is rated not politically correct. I’ve been rejected by literary journals for being offensive and tasteless and for putting their journals at risk. And I’ve had to take these objectionable objections seriously if I wish to succeed.   My first response was to make my P.C., pc.   My computer is now programmed to change ‘Merry Christmas’ to ‘Merry Holidays’ and ‘Founding Fathers’ to ‘Founding Founders.’   ‘Queer’ gets changed to ‘gay.’ How queer is that.   I now call females who deliver mail malewomen.   An editor castigated me because I insensitively wrote ‘died’ instead of ‘passed away,’ and then castigated me again for writing ‘Jesus passed away on the cross.’ What to do?   The racial thing is really hard to deal with. A black person can call a white person ‘whitey.’ But a white person can’t say ‘blacky.’ In fact, most blacks are brown and most whites, as the Indians correctly noted...

  Why Do You Wear Clothes? “Mommy, why do you wear clothes?” “To stay warm.” “But it’s warm in here.” “Well, hmmm, I like to wear clothes. Clothes are pretty.” “But, Mommy, you wear a robe when we are home. Mommy, is it because you want to hide your boobs?” “Well, yes.” “Why?” “Because they are private.” “But when you wear a swim-suit, your boobs mostly show.” “Johnny, don’t you have homework?” “Yes, Mommy, I’m doing it. The teacher told us to ask our mother or father a question and report our conversation to the class.”

City Council Ponders: Should We Give Ourselves a Raise?   It was a time of great soul searching for city-council members in the City of Alt Losses. Should they increase their stipends from $300 to $950 a month and triple their benefits to $11,000 a year—an increase that the state of California just allowed? A special meeting was called to consider this all important question (during a 49ers football game).    "The increase would cover the cost of gasoline (for the 2-to-3mile drive) to our bi-monthly meetings," they agreed. "It would pay for our printer cartridges." "We could attract more lower-income people to run against us," they reasoned self-righteously, "especially full-time working moms with lots of kids."   One council member asked, "Does the increased health-insurance benefit include free facelifts?" "Face lifts? Yes," Staff responded. "Free? No. There's a $20 copay."   "And how will this aff...

  Free Trials and Tribulations   How irresistible are these free trial offers that bombard us every day? Free delivery for just $5 a month.   Automatic refills and get the first order free. Buy a subscription to Life-on-Mars Magazine and get 13 other magazines, no charge. You know the allure and the drill.   My mom has a lifetime supply of toothpaste with more coming every month. If she brushed her teeth every hour—instead of just once a week—she still couldn't use it up.   My uncle, who is now over 90, has 200 bottles of The Horny Goatweed Guaranteed Cure for Erectile Dysfunction in his medicine chest—one of which was free. All of which are useless.   As for me, well, my free trials are bankrupting me. I can't keep track of what's on order or when to cancel it. My apartment looks like a landfill.   I now get hundreds of emails every day from hundreds of charities, addressed lovingly to dear Mickie. Some of these charities are real. ...

 

  If you ever agonized about what to call a female mailman in this age of political correctness, if you ever engaged in combat with Comcast, if you ever searched on match.com for a compatible kidney, if you ever wonder why circa 24,000 laws are passed each year by the states (no kidding), or why I got a sh*tload of traffic tickets when I was mayor of Menlo Park, stay tuned.   If you ever want to unload your worldly anxieties, then just imagine you are from the planet Zalaria observing the absurd and amusing antics of us Earthlings here on earth . Winkler's stint in politics  inspired her humor--and her conviction that there is no  intelligent life on earth . Enjoy!