PROMOTING GNARLY KNOLLS:

AN ACTIVE RETIREMENT COMMUNITY

You Won't Die of Boredom Here


Gnarly Knolls is my retirement home.  And I like it. What I don't like are the 11 costly vacancies that reduce the home's revenues and cause our rents to rise. And I especially don't like our incredibly stupid marketing agency that keeps the vacancies vacant.

Would you run to a retirement home with this oh-so clever slogan?                                                                                        "We enjoy full-care care-free living"

 One of the agency's brain storms to help fill those vacancies was to post monthly resident audio interviews on the website. Smart? You bet! Because, even though no one listens to them, they succeed in keeping the marketing firm raking in dough. You may ask: "Why is that interview not video taped?"  But if you were to then look at us residents, that question would be quickly withdrawn.

 The interview features Amazing Lives At Gnarly Knolls, and in this, the month of November, they chose me. "You, Mickie," I was told, "are one Amazing Life. You will help draw applicants to Gnarly Knolls. Will you do the interview?"

 Did I say "NO" in righteous indignation? Did I say, your advertising repels would-be applicants? Did I say you are the only one benefiting from this? I did not. I never miss an opportunity to advertise my recently published book.  


 The interview began.

"Please tell us a bit about yourself."

 "Sure. I am 85 and—as we old folks say--I'm rapidly losing my marbles."

 "We heard you have had an interesting career. Tell us about the highlights."

 "My career was in advertising and marketing. The highlight? I won a lucrative Ad-Of-The-Year Award for an ad promoting , guess what?--easy-to-conceal handguns. And to top it off, the wonderful client paid in cash."

 "Actually, we  meant your political career."

 "OK. The highlight of my career in politics was when I became mayor of Menlo Park. I never craved that ceremonial position, but that year was the very year I was going back to New York for my 50th class reunion and I got to go back triumphantly as a Mayor. It was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity--because I was recalled the following year.

 "What would I change?" That's easy. I would have voted for, not against, a precipitous pay increase for the already over-paid police. But, alas, I opposed that increase. As a result, I got lots of tickets, parking tickets, speeding tickets, and tickets even when I was on my bike. "Madam Mayor," the policeman said, as I crossed the track on my bike just before the arms came down. "Madam Mayor, usually I just give people on bikes a lecture, but for you I make an exception." And he did.

 "But hey, I finally grew to love local politics. That's when I started writing humor.

 Politics was so inspirational.  If you want to know more, read my book, Politics, Police and Other Earthling Antics--published by a British company-- because the book is not PC enough to print in the States."

 I tried to read an anecdote from my book—The Naked Cop: A Bedtime Story-- but the interviewer stopped me.

 "Mickie, we heard you spent time living abroad."

 "Indeed I did. I taught conversational English in several different countries. My students were wonderful, and I was always reminded of home because stories of America's mass shootings were front-page news everywhere." Looking at the dismayed faces of my interlocutors, I added, "But rest assured, we have had no mass shootings at Gnarly Knolls."

 And of course came the kicker question.  "Why did you choose Gnarly Knolls?"

 "Location was key.  Gnarly Knolls is in downtown Pico Place so I now can walk to the pharmacy for my ever-increasing number of prescription drugs, plus the Pico Emergency Room is just 5 minutes away--by ambulance. We have a super active community. One of our residents even turned his apartment into a gambling den in which you can lose real money."

 "I came to give my kids peace of mind. My impending infirmity care is covered.  I've even prepaid for my cremation, and am constantly urging all my fellow residents here to do the same. There's one crematorium I especially like…"

 "Mickie, sorry to interrupt. Tell us, how do you like the food here?"

  I was stunned that this question came up because these guys have eaten here. But to be promotional and positive I said, "Well, I always find something to eat that I like-- because we are right across the street from a grocery store"

 "And oh yes," I added, "We have this amazing 24-hour coffee machine and--when it’s working-- we can all get caffeinated, so we don't fall asleep in the middle of our sentences.

 "One more thing. You know how stressful moving can be? Well, once you buy into Gnarly Knolls, you'll never have to move again."

 

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