The Palo Alto Poop Patrol

 

                                                     THE PALO ALTO POOP PATROL

 

The entrepreneurial, Silicon Valley spirit has overtaken me. My friends here are churning out new ideas and new enterprises—and, oh yes, getting rich. But what about me?  What is my special calling? What was I brought into this world to do? Ladies and gentlemen, that search is over. 

I am the founder and CEO of the Palo Alto Poop Patrol.

 As my fellow residents know, Palo Alto code 6,20,045 states:

Dog defecation is to be removed by owners.

It is unlawful for any person owning or having control or custody of any dog to permit the animal to defecate upon the public or private property of this city unless the person immediately removes the feces.


 That is the law that inspired me.


 So what is it that I, as the leader of the Palo Alto Poop Patrol, do? Do I issue fines? No! Whensurreptitiously film a law-breaking, dog-pooping dog and its owner, I don’t issue fines. I do accept bribes.

  Are poopetrators happy to ante up? No! But they would rather pay me than have to pay a dog-pooping fine in court. And they will ante up even more when I offer to delete my videos of them--with their dogs and the unpicked-up poop--and to not post them on all social media sites?

 I expanded my business to include disposable doggie diapers. These diapers have been fashionably designed for male dogs, female dogs, and LGBTQ dogs in a variety of dog-matching colors.



 Most offending owners immediately invest in my disposable doggie diapers which I always carry with me on patrol. Doggie diapers protect dog owners from having to publicly pick up the putrid poop--which is obviously why they are trying to evade the Palo-Alto public-poop law.

 As for me, I am one proud and getting ever richer, Silicon-Valley success. And I hope that whenever you see a dog pooping, you will think of me.

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