The Naked Cop Bedtime Story

 

THE DOWNSIDE OF POWER

“Hello madam mayor,” the policeman said with a smile. I got off my bicycle to return thegreeting and he said, “do you know what you just did? You just crossed thetracks after the gates were on the way down." " Usually,”  he continued, “I just give bikers a lecture, but I can make an exception for the Mayor.”  And he wrote me a ticket.  Crossing the tracks was not all I had done. I had voted against giving a precipitous salary increase to the police unit in our town.

More dangerous than standing up to police was standing up to the framers of our heritage tree ordinance. I renamed this ordinance the “Heritage Twig ordinance“ for which I was accused of liking people more than trees.

 There were the dog owners who wanted to use the fenced in Little-League field for a dog run when the field was not being used by the League. When I warned that the park would become known as Poop Park, the dog owners disowned me. 

I was collecting very vocal opponents. I was alienating more voters with every word. I felt that if I ran for reelection, mine might be the only vote I’d get.  Even my husband, who was sick of replacing my maliciously-punctured bicycle tires promised to vote “no.” So two-thirds through my term I announce that I would not run again.

 Now my detractors get worried. How do you control a politician that doesn’t want to run again?

You don’t. I got a new huge revenue-generating hotel Okayed over claims by the vocal bird-lovers that an eagle may someday want to nest at the site.

 We hired a private contractor to run the City’s new swimming pool over the apoplectic opposition of the union. And got, in return, the best swim program on the Peninsula.

 We built a restroom in the city’s largest park despite neighbor fears that the homeless would move in. In fact the only building that now bears my name is that restroom. The naming was sanctioned by opponents because as one gloated: “when folks go to the toilet they will think of you. “

We approved several cell towers to increase wi-fi reception, undeterred by the claim that cell towers cause cancer. In fact we argued with equal validity that cell towers cure cancer. That was fun.

 I was productive and getting stuff done. So did I really want to retire?  My (very) few fans pointed out that I was a shoo in, that no matter how much politicians are vilified, they get reelected 90% of the time.  

 But I I was nevertheless determined to leave, before I got any more tickets and before my house was spray-painted purple, again.